A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
