it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
