Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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