also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
