I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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