Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
