nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
