he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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