just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
