Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
