I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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