i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Can I color on your dick again?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
