I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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