evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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