his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
