Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
