Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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