so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
