I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
