I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
