Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
