you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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