I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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