He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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