Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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