Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
