I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
