remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
