You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
