Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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