Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
