Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
