I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
