He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
