never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
