another moral hangover. fuck.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
