My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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