If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
