Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize