ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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