woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
