I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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