i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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