someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
