I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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