is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I need moral support for this bender
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
