i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
