Swine flu. Run for my life!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
