New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
the liver wants what the liver wants
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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