Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
