i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
