You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
