Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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